The pain in her eyes and the hole in her pocket
Coming to terms with financial instability and developing my baking skills
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I ate two dinners on the same Monday night. The first bar I went to was having a vegan taco popup. A restaurant down the street had a weeknight special of eggplant-stuffed dumplings doused in chili crisp. My stomach lining stretched to accommodate one last bite of the dan dan noodles I never intended on ordering. The bartender slipped me the bill and I sighed, pulled out my debit card, and felt the $40.83 leave my bank account.
Stress eating isn’t a coping strategy that’s typically in my arsenal. However, the pressure of the past few weeks had mounted to the point where I found myself mindlessly consuming food to distract from the reality of my circumstances.
You couldn’t tell just by looking at me, but I’ve spent the past month disentangling my life from another’s. Sometimes, I’d carefully sort through the strings that kept us attached and other times take shears to them with impatience. A grueling process ensued of dividing kitchen equipment and claiming living room decor. Once I was finally in my own space, I had to start accumulating items that had once been ours but were now theirs.
Every individual item at Target appears affordable at first glance until you ring up a total of over three hundred dollars at self-checkout. As I scanned a new chef’s knife, a dish scrubber, and shower curtains, I found myself reflecting on past purchases.
Instead of financially preparing for a minimally invasive surgery, I bought an $800 remodeled Trek SL1000 road bike from a stranger off Facebook Marketplace.
Instead of saving for an impending split, I was entering my card numbers to purchase a $580 Totême coat.
Instead of setting aside the money for move-in fees and the first month’s rent, I rented a Sandro dress for $40 and got a $280 plane ticket to Atlanta to attend a friend’s wedding.
I became so comfortable living above my means that I was poorly prepared for the emergencies to come. The events of this year have crushed me from all sides and forced me to return to my frugal roots.
These days, I make four times what I did as a graduate student. Yet, the measly paycheck that I received twice a month for reading scientific literature and planning doomed experiments was diligently split between car payments, rent, utilities, groceries, and streaming subscriptions.
Now I have all of the above in addition to medical bills, student loans, health insurance, the inflated price of groceries, and the exorbitant cost to rebuild my life as a newly single individual. Every dollar must have a place and a purpose.
On a Friday night, I treated myself to a $12 movie, a $7 medium popcorn, and a $4 can of Liquid Death. As the technicians in the back scrambled to get the sound working, I sat in the back of the theater reading the lips of the characters on screen.
It was too chilly to walk home in a thin cashmere cardigan, so I spent $2.50 to hop on the Blue Line only to get off in one stop.
I was craving tacos but all of the Mexican spots nearby were closed past ten. The pizza joint on the way home had people inside waiting to grab their pies upon closing. An employee said they only had a few slices left so I pulled my debit card out to order two. They handed me three slices on the house, all neatly packed in the same miniature box, and shooed me out the double doors.
Free pizza must be a sign my luck has turned. An omen of good finances to come: a fully replenished emergency fund, plane tickets home for the holidays, and perhaps a sweater from Sézane I’ve been pining after for months.
It’s about time to change the narrative that “I can’t bake” and instead say “I haven’t had enough opportunities to bake.” So I decided to create an opportunity. I made a batch of cookies to bring to my run club’s track night as a post-workout snack. Having handfuls of people say they enjoyed your baked goods is all the affirmation I need to attempt it again.
I got the idea to make apple oatmeal cookies topped with za’atar when I tried a weekend special of za’atar pie from Bang Bang Pie and Biscuits. Sweet from the apples, some slight crunch from the oats, and savory due to the za’atar. I used a recipe from Cooking Classy as a blueprint, then adjusted it according to some pointers from King Arthur Baking Company.
Za’atar Apple Oatmeal Cookies
Yields: 20 cookies | Time: 30 minutes
The Ingredients
130 g (4) McIntosh apples, cut into 1/4 in cubes
1/3 lemon, juiced
1 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cup rolled old-fashioned oats
1 tsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup unsalted butter
3/4 cup dark brown sugar
1 large egg
Za’atar seasoning
The Method
Mix the apple cubes with the lemon juice and let them sit while you prepare the other ingredients.
In a large bowl, mix flour, oats, cinnamon, and baking soda.
In a small microwave-safe bowl, melt the butter for about a minute.
Add dark brown sugar to the melted butter and mix until smooth. Add the egg and stir thoroughly.
Gradually pour the sugar-butter-egg mixture into the larger bowl with the dry ingredients and use a wooden spoon to stir until the oats appear coated.
At this point, you may be tempted to snack on the cookie dough straight from the bowl. Add the apples and mix until evenly distributed throughout the cookie dough.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and chill the dough in the fridge for an hour. In the meantime, preheat the oven to 350 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Using a 1/4 cup or cookie scoop, evenly space the cookies on the parchment-lined baking sheet. Sprinkle each cookie with about a teaspoon of za’atar seasoning.
Bake the cookies for 12-15 minutes. Stick a toothpick in the center of a cookie to check for doneness. It should come out clear. Let them sit on the stove for 10 minutes to cool before stuffing your face.
The Verdict
I’m not much for sweets, let alone cookies. These were the perfect mix of sweet and savory and I had little restraint for snacking on the cookie dough before baking.
The cookies rose higher than I expected and the size of the apple chunks made them look bulky. I wanted them to expand a bit more in the oven while remaining fudge-like in the center. Next time, I’ll omit the baking soda and cube the apples a bit smaller.
I highly recommend reading
‘s recent newsletter highlighting Palestinian recipes and notable Palestinian cookbooks to purchase. I added Yasmin Khan’s Zaitoun to my growing wishlist, yet another example of how food is not just food; it’s culture, history, and a form of resistance.
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